Rebuilding relationships after betrayal
Rebuilding a relationship after a betrayal can be very difficult. Personal healing is essential before any rebuilding can take place. The process can activate your natural defences against trusting someone who has caused hurt.
These are perfectly natural and are designed to help you ward off future hurt. However they can work against the healing process and prevent you from building the value into your life that will help you to ultimately heal and grow. It can take a lot of work to understand that you are not damaged, it may well feel that way, but it is the relationship that is damaged.
It is important to decide if you want to heal the relationship and if you do decide that you want to undertake this work, there will be periods of self-doubt, as automatic defences spring back into place. These doubts can emerge in the forms of anxiety or dread, perhaps alternating with optimism about the possibilities of repair.
People commonly experience nagging questions that come up time and again.
- Why am I doing this?
- Am I a fool?
- Am I setting myself up to be hurt again?
These doubts about repair are a natural response to being hurt, they do not mean that the choice to repair is unwise or wrong for you. They are not stop signs but can be beneficial for both parties in the relationship by slowing down the repair process. The more slowly that the repair progresses the more likely it is to endure, as in building a house, haste and corner cutting in relationships can be disastrous.
Try not to suppress the doubts, but encourage them. If your decision to attempt repair is rooted in your core values, it will survive all tests and doubts. Take time to gain clarity in what you want. Look deep within yourself and decide what you want from the relationship.
The other person will need to work with you, to make every effort to work with whatever you decide you need them to do to repair the relationship, to give you what you need to invest in a long term loving relationship.
15th August 2024